Death by suicide of a God loving extremely close friend
 

I am writing this because I have found lots of articles written by parents and spouses of Christians who have died from suicide, but very few that have been written by a traumatised extremely close friend of a Christian who has died from suicide.  I feel this is a key area that that needs to be covered as a close friend can be immensely impacted.  To protect young people who had close relationships with my Glecf (God loving extremely close friend)- I will not be using her name or my name- instead I will be calling myself a Tecf (traumatised extremely close friend). 

This  is for people who are going through a similar experience to me as a Christian Tefc and those who are in Church leadership. Friends and family of the Tecf may also find it helpful to read this. 

Important points for you to consider before you continue reading:-

1.  It is crucial that everyone reading this realises that I will be linking to Christian beliefs and practices as I share how my body, mind and soul has reacted and what support helped and what I would do differently myself in leadership roles now- if you don’t want to read a blog linking to Christian beliefs, you may wish to stop reading now.

 

1. When I link to Church leader responses, I am automatically assuming the leader takes the view of suicide as being forgivable- Romans 8:38-39 New Living Translation “38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 
   
   I know there is a massive amount of reasons why people may die from suicide but I believe that all Church leaders need to be aware of the fact that ‘80-90% of people who die by suicide are experiencing mental distress’- https://mhfaengland.org/mhfa-centre/research-and-evaluation/mental-health-statistics/

 

I am also assuming the Church leader reading this sees mental illness as being a medical disease- my view is that, like in all physical illnesses, there can be a spiritual battle going on linking to the illness (i.e. thoughts that God can’t exist if you feel so ill) but that in the vast majority of mental health cases there are psychological and/ or chemical reasons why the person has this disease. 

3. I also need to make it clear that before my own experience I had no idea of how death by suicide of a Glecf could impact a Tecf emotionally, physically or spiritually.  There is absolutely no condemnation of anyone’s support or comments in this blog- just an analysis of what worked for me and what I would now do in a leadership role because of my experience.

4.  I would say my partner was also an extremely close friend to the deceased in this situation but that he did react differently from me.  To be honest it was still early days when I started writing this so neither of us know which physical and emotional responses are best for the long run.  However, if you continue to read this you do need to be aware that not all reactions are the same and people process the loss/ trauma differently.

 

Piece of advice from experience

No. 1- Take/ give the right amount of support

If you have a Glecf who has died from suicide:-

 

Be extremely honest with yourself and others about how close you were. I struggled to start with as I didn’t (and still don’t) want to offend anyone by calling my Glecf my only best friend as I find that a bit cliquey and I also have another best friend from my school days and my husband. She also had lots of other extremely close/best friends around her who I didn’t want to offend by saying that I was her ‘best friend’.However, my caution about using this term possibly didn’t do me any favours when it came to people reacting to how I may be responding to her death both physically, emotionally and spiritually. My Glecf was the person I lived with for all my years at Uni, the person who I shared intimate details about my life and struggles with, someone I totally trusted and someone who I had grown up with for over 25 years. We had supported each other through so many highs and lows and since she has died there are multiple times when I have felt a certain way or something has happened where she would have been the first person I would have gone to.

Be honest about your physical, emotional and mental health experiences with others that you trust and yourself- it can be horrendous and I found talking to others was a good way to process what has happened (which is massively needed). If I didn’t have the chance to talk about it to somebody and process my feelings in that way my brain felt like a pressure cooker which was getting more and more uptight and under pressure.

As a Tecf it is sometimes hard to feel that you have the right amount of support from phone lines and help groups. I had one experience when I rang a suicide survivor support helpline and as soon as I said I was a friend rather than a family member I was just told I would be sent a pack rather than the listening ear and support the helpline had said it would provide. In retrospect I should have made it clearer during the phone call how close I was to my Glecf. The face to face support group I went to once to was good, and I did feel accepted as part of the group, but the vast majority of people who were there were children, siblings or spouses of the deceased.

Be aware that what you are going through is probably going to be an extremely long and challenging journey- I am usually a cup half full person so often on good days I would think that I was coming to the end of the process- only to be hit again the next day by grief, trauma and elements of depression.  Don’t say you don’t need support anymore too early on.

Things I will now be considering in a Church leadership role if people experience death by suicide of a close friend-

Ask people supporting the Tecf to  look up https://uksobs.org/for-professionals/how-suicide-bereavement-is-different/ to gain an understanding of what may be happening to the Tecf or any friends who have, had someone who has died by suicide.

 

I would ensure that close friends of the person who has died are given the opportunity for support and time to be prayed with that they have experienced this kind of loss. They may be in shock to start with so may not come to me to ask for support. I would be wise about the home group/ community group leaders or people within the group being the supporters- as they may not be the best people to take on the Christian supportive role in this situation/ at this time.

 

If possible I would have someone trained or very wise in the area of grief, trauma and disappointment to support the Tecf. I was extremely fortunate to have this and this made a massive difference to my ability to process what had happened and to hold onto God as I went through this. It has also been really helpful for me to be able to text the lady supporting me as well as meeting up with her. It was a real blessing that my supporter quickly realised how close my relationship was with my Glecf- it is key for the supporter to find this out asap rather than thinking that is the friendship role is far less important that a family member role.

I would help anyone supporting the Tecf to see that the effects of grief and trauma linking to suicide can be immense. https://uksobs.org/for-professionals/how-suicide-bereavement-is-different/states that “ People who have been bereaved by suicide may become vulnerable to thoughts of suicide themselves” and people may find they are experiencing “a bewildering range of feelings”. I would ensure that there are back-up people if the main person who is supporting the Tecf pastorally is away or ill. This may relieve the stress on the supporter and make the Tecf feel that they are still safe and able to release pressure. For me I had to reach out for more support a few days after the inquest (which I was heavily involved with) when the lady who was supporting me was away. I am fortunate that at this time I did feel confident enough to call out for help- but there are many people who may not feel they are in this position- who it would be great to surround with pastoral protection.

I would ask other Church leader who aren’t supporting the Tecf to be wise in what they say. There are very tender and general things they would say to most of the Church family that may not be helpful – for example ‘have a great rest of your Summer’ could be painful for the Tecf and make them feel they are not understood.

 

I was given a list of prayers that really helped me when I was first reacting to what had happened to my Glecf which included ‘Please hold on to me when I don’t feel like holding onto you’, ‘Help me to see you in all of this’ and ‘If I can’t understand, help me to accept’.  I found these incredibly helpful when I didn’t know what to pray and was shocked that this could have happened to my Glecf.  I would definitely offer the Tecf a list like this and, if they were okay with it, offer to pray some of these over them.

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I need to be prepared that there may not be a quick fix solution and that that person may need support for longer than I have supported people before
https://uksobs.org/for-professionals/how-suicide-bereavement-is-different/states that “The grieving process is often complicated and typically lasts longer than other types of bereavement – significant effects may still be felt for many years after the death”

I need to ensure that nothing I say may hint or indicate that I expected them to be better sooner and/or that I have had similar experiences of grief or trauma that I have managed to put aside that I don't tell them about this and make them feel like they are failing. 

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“In grief, our brain-part of the neurological system can feel like it has turned to mush. We may even begin to feel as though we have lost our minds. Our thinking becomes garbled, confused and slowed. Our concentration and attention are limited. We are distractible and have trouble planning, organising and remembering. The result is that we become unsure of ourselves and our ability to make decisions. We may have headaches and feel as though we are in a fog” -www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/understanding-grief/201909/when-grief-gets-physical

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No. 2 -The initial sense of shock is staggering and sometimes this shock comes back when the Tecf least expects it- be ready for this to happen

If you have a Glecf who has died from suicide:-

 

Be prepared for this sense of shock and don’t feel down on yourself for not being strong enough if it is still happening well after the death happened. Unfortunately the shock is still hitting me now  when I least expect it. It is also still hitting my husband. For example we were out in a bar with cheesy music in and a song came on that our Glecf loved and knew the words to and it really hit him and brought back all the memories of our fun times with her but also how she died. Another example is when I have been in houses or work environments and suddenly seen an object similar to that which my Glecf used to end her life- this triggers off the memories again and affects me both mentally and physically.

Don’t get cross with yourself about what is going on in your head- your brain is processing. It is horrible but most studies say it is needed and that not doing it causes more harm. In the first few months, particularly after the funeral, visual images of the day my Glecf friend died and images of extremely sad moments at her funeral kept on coming back in my head, Sometimes this happened when a trigger set it off and at other times it just happened.

Being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder is a difficult thing as to start with grief is normal no matter who dies and how. However, some of the ways I experienced the death of my Glecf were incredibly different to how I experienced the early death, through cancer, of a parent.
 

After the death of my parent I had sad memories of the last few months when she/ he was really ill but I also very quickly had lovely moments of times when we could talk and share precious memories before she/ he died. I also had an overwhelming sense of peace.

In the situation with my Glecf I had constant flashbacks for the first four months when I visualised what had happened as she died. This was happening at least 20 times a day and often more just after I had visited her family home or been doing something to help with the inquest or funeral. This seemed weird to me as I hadn’t even seen her die and had just been told what had happened by her husband. I still have these flashbacks now from time to time and find it very difficult to control them. After the flashbacks my brain feels numb and I find it very hard to process anything work wise.


 

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