As a Christian there are key words that I hear and read every day- hope, joy, thankfulness and peace. They are beautiful words and concepts and most of the time I believe they are reachable.  I have also had times in my life when I have felt peace and joy in very difficult circumstances i.e. when I had a brain scan and the doctors swore when he looked at it in front of me and the night/morning before my brain op! This was definitely supernatural peace and I believe very much from God.

 

​However, after my God Loving Extremely Close Friend died (Glecf) all my hope, joy and peace seemed to crash around me. As I have said in other articles I had thanked God that she was well just a few months before and I had a strong hope that God wouldn't let her kill herself.  The picture of the very dark clouds above is the closest I can get to how I felt for a good 6 months after she died, and to be honest in my real life the sun was hidden far more.  This has led me to write something that I never would have written two years ago- BE WISE WHEN TALKING ABOUT PEACE, JOY, THANKFULNESS AND PEACE WHEN SOMEONE HAS EXPERIENCED GRIEF OR TRAUMA.  Yes, as a miracle God can provide these things in extremely dark times BUT it is a miracle in most circumstances if this happens.  I have just started reading Kayla Stoecklein's book "Rebuilding Beauty' and this paragraph about faith really resonates with me "When the formula for our faith doesn't work anymore, we are forced to find another way. We can walk away from God completely , believing he failed us in our hour of need.  We can stew in guilt or shame believing it wasn't God who failed us but our own failing efforts. Or we can choose to open our eyes to a new way of approaching the faith journey: a way that allows our suffering to lead us to a deeper truth; a way that challenges us to see things differently, expands our faith, and makes room for our pain".  Even this is hard to do and sometimes when the anniversary of my Glecf's last visit to see us or the darkness of her last hospital visit comes around , even this new way of opening my eyes is difficult and sometimes the deeper truth is hard to see for a while. If  you have someone going through trauma/ grief please make sure that what you say and what you expect the person you are supporting to do does make room for their pain.

Explaining how and why I struggled:-

Thanksgiving- the depression that swamped me made this really hard to do -plus thinking of thanksgiving made me feel even sadder as my Glecf (in the intensity of her anxiety and depression) had written a thank-you prayer to God the night before she killed herself- that was used in the inquest. She tried so hard to stay thankful and the fact she still felt so bad really tore me in two.  I have always been a cup half full person and my inner chats with God were 75% about thanksgiving as I saw things in creation or had something positive happening. I prayed to God about my inability to do this and felt safe that my lack of being able to give thanks at this time was understood by him and that at the right time it would come back.  Don't push someone who is grieving to be thankful if they are not ready to do this.

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Hope- God blessed me by giving me a firm hope that my Glecf was with him and dancing on the waves with Jesus- which is a great hope. However, for some Christians this isn't enough and they seem to want the person who is grieving to think that everything will be okay in family of the deceased and that the grief process will be short and God will heal the emotional pain within months.  Be careful not to be like this are it makes the person grieving feel even more pain if they feel that they are sinking in despair, but that they shouldn't be because they are a Christian and should have hope.   Be aware that hope may move from earthly hope to eternal hope and treat this change with respect.  However, also pray that earthly hope will come back again when the time is right.

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Peace and joy- be aware that again if these elements are felt it is a miracle NOT what normally happens after a traumatic death.  Be careful not to overload the Glecf with verses about these terms and make them feel like they are failing/ not holding on to God enough.