If you are a Tecf who is struggling with things that you would usually be okay with it may be worth you looking into this window of tolerance more and ensuring that you are being wise when making decisions about what you can and can’t take on or what you need to stop doing for now.It may also be helpful to share this with people in your workplace or Church so they understand why you are stepping back from somethings you would usually do.

Things I will now be considering in a Church leadership role if people experience death by suicide of a close friend-

• That the window of tolerance can change after stress and trauma and that changes need to be made that ensure that, as far as possible, people who are struggling with PTSD aren’t being regularly pushed outside their window of tolerance.

• To be patient with the person and to read up around physical reactions linking to grief and trauma.

• To show that I understand that these reactions are impacting their life and that this is nothing for them to be ashamed of.  To offer them a chance to chat to me about this.

• To make it clear that what is happening to them isn’t due to them having a weak personality or not being strong enough to handle difficult things.

• To understand that the window of tolerance will get bigger again with support and time and to make it clear that asking for support is a strength rather than a weakness.

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No 4-Constant questions (such as Is God real? Why did God allow this to happen? Could I have made a difference?  Could I have stopped it? Did they know how much I loved them?)  go round in the Tecf’s head – especially at the start of the grieving process.

If you have a Glecf who has died from suicide:- Give it to God (see prayers in first section).  The questions I found the hardest were -why did God allow something so sad to happen mental health wise to someone who loved him and how could he be okay with the horrendous impact it had on family and friends?   I had a choice I could either run from God in disappointment or run to him and hold onto him.

This amazing piece of poetry from John Roedel really helped me with this

Me: Hey God.

God: Hey John.

Me: I can't get over how sad I am feeling today.

God: You aren't ever going to get over that.

Me: What? I'm not?

God: Nope. You are just wasting your energy trying to avoid your sadness. Your emotions aren't a wall that you can just climb over or dig under - they are a tunnel that you must pass through. You don't get over how you feel, you go through it. There is a big difference.

Me: Will I survive?

God: Of course. Just cross the threshold of your heart and walk right in. However, while you are going in you must keep moving forward. Be careful to not get stuck in the doorway.  It’s easy to just stop in your sadnesses and not move. Let it come. Experience your sadness.  Embrace it. Listen to your heartache. Learn from it - but keep moving.

Me: Ok…

God:  I’m proud of you. Being vulnerable to how you feel takes tremendous courage. Exploring your heart is a feat of courage.  It’s an epic undertaking. Be bold. Charting the unmapped wilderness of your heart is your life’s odyssey. Don’t be afraid. Go through your sadness. Go through! Your emotions are a door - see what is waiting for you on the other side of heartache and sorrow. Don't get over...go through - and you’ll be standing in the sun again. It will be a great adventure!

Me: Will you be waiting for me on the other side of my sadness?

God: No.

Me: Why?!

God: Because I will have been holding your hand the whole time. I will meet you at the door and we will walk through together. This doesn't have to be a journey you take alone. Your sadness is My sadness.  Your tears are My tears. Your sorrow is My sorrow. This is our journey. Take My hand. Come on. Let's go through the passage of you heart together.

Me: I'm trembling....

God: That’s just how any important journey is supposed to begin, isn’t it?

~ john roedel (johnroedel.com)